Even If...

By Marie Drakulic

“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up” (Daniel 3:16-18; emphasis mine).

On March 3, 2017, we learned our son Austin had a spot on his brain that might be a tumor, a reoccurrence of the disease he has battled for several years. A little over a month later, days before Easter, the doctor called to tell us it was indeed a relapse of medulloblastoma—
brain cancer.

The days and weeks between those moments were filled with multiple visits to the children’s hospital, tests, calls, excruciating waiting, and more fear than I had ever experienced in my life. I knew too little about what was going on inside Austin’s brain, but having been through this before, I knew too much about the possibilities. I was petrified.

One day, somewhere in that painful mix of waiting in limbo and everyday life, I heard a song on the radio. It came on just as I was pulling into the driveway, and I simply sat and listened. After the song ended, I raced into the house to look it up and play it again, but the video wasn’t even available on YouTube. I googled the lyrics and was blown away as I read:

I know You’re able, and I know you can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand.
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word,
But even if You don’t…My hope is You alone.

Even if—even if it was cancer…even if He didn’t heal Austin. I listened to the song over and over. I watched the backstory of the song. (Check it out here: https://youtu.be/E3wH_srDZ8k.) The more I listened, the more I learned, and the more I loved the message.

Several months ago, I purchased a coloring Bible, and I often take it with me to the hospital to color a Bible verse while I’m waiting. On April 12, 2017, while Austin was getting the MRI that would reveal the relapse, I colored and meditated on these words:

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments” (Habakkuk 3:17-19, emphasis mine).

Even now, with one failed chemo attempt and a tumor that continues to grow slowly, I know God is able. Jeremiah said, “Ah Lord God! Behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee” (Jeremiah 32:17).
Miracles still happen, and I am hoping and praying that one day, I will be able to share the miracle at our house with you. But here’s the thing I don’t want you to miss: we don’t have to wait for the miracle to know God is good. He is good now. He is faithful today.

Even if the story doesn’t end like my heart desperately wants. Even if I am more broken and angry than I thought possible. Even if. I can still say God is good. Always. No matter what! His love is constant, and His grace is big. I don’t have to understand or even like what He is doing or allowing to know that is true.

Even if…

About the Writer: Marie and Tony Drakulic are team members with Daryl Grimes, planting Flagship FWB Church in Erie, Pennsylvania. Learn more at: www.flagshipchurch.com.