Resolve conflict in marriage without creating scars.

How to Fight Fair

by Richard Atwood

Conflict is common to all marriages. It doesn’t mean you married the wrong person. It means you aren’t the same.

If you have one remote control and two people, you will have conflict. A lot of men are like me. They don’t want to watch what is on TV as much as they want to see what else is on. My wife has a hard time keeping up and says, “Is that the same show?” No, that was three channels back!

If you have one thermostat and two people, you will have conflict. My wife likes it a little warmer, and I like it a little cooler. That’s why churches should put locks on their thermostats.

If you have one driver and two people riding, you will have conflict. “Watch that dog! Red light, red light, red light! You’re going too fast! That quick stop shook my teeth.”

If you have one toilet paper holder and two people, you will have conflict. Some like it to roll up from underneath, and most sensible people like it to come over the top. (I guess you see where I stand on that.)

The goal of marriage isn’t to be conflict-free, but learning to handle conflicts correctly. Married couples get into problems when they fight dirty. Here are some ideas on how to fight fair.

1. Remember the goal is not to win, but to solve the problem.

Some couples enter into each argument with a “destroy the enemy” attitude. They want to win at any cost. “I showed him who was right.” They win the battle and lose the war. The loser is either hurt or angry and determines to keep score and win the next fight. The goal should be to deal with the issue, not defeat your mate.

2. Don’t expect mind reading.

Ladies, many times guys don’t have a clue. We are focused on what we are doing and do not pick up on your hints. Tell us plainly what you want.

3. Don’t use the “silent treatment.”

Sure, there may be times when we need to back off and cool down. But few things are more frustrating than a mate who will never talk about a problem. Avoid using silence as a weapon. It could backfire. One couple wasn’t speaking to each other, and he moved to the guest room.

He had to get up at 5:00 a.m. for a flight but had no alarm clock. He wouldn’t give in and ask his wife for help, so he wrote her a note. He woke up at 7:00 the next morning and was ready to confront his wife until he saw her note. “Wake up, it’s 5:00 a.m.”

When we do confront our spouse with a problem, we should do it with a humble and caring attitude.

4. Stick to one issue at a time.

Some couples start out discussing how to spend a tax refund and end up arguing about vacations, their mothers, disciplining the children, and where to spend Christmas. We call this “kitchen sinking.” They drag in every issue but the kitchen sink. Stay on the initial issue.

5. Keep the temperature down.

Lower the volume. Angry yelling sabotages understanding. I once got so angry at my car that I hit the dashboard. It made a crack about a foot long. Whenever anyone would ride in that car, they would ask about the cracked dashboard.

Some people say they are angry for a short time and get over it quickly. But, just like my car dashboard, the results of that anger last on and on.

6. Try not to hurt the other person.

Sometimes, we want to win the argument so badly that we resort to hurting the person we love the most in this world. I cringe when I hear how some married people talk to each other. Here is a great verse for communication with everyone, but especially our spouse: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29). Build up your husband or wife. Don’t tear down. Administer grace to the hearer.

The following can be hurtful:

• Names: Stupid, jerk, idiot, dummy, loser.
  

• Ridicule and sarcasm : “That was a great burned offering we had for supper last night.”
  

• Labeling: “You always nag.” “You are never thoughtful.”
  

• Bitter words: “You’ve ruined my life.” “I wish I’d never married you.” “I hate you.”
  

• Violence: Never acceptable.

7. Forgive.

Wrong way to apologize: “Well, I was wrong, but you were wrong, too.” That just starts the argument up again.

Right way to apologize: “I was wrong to speak to you that way. I am sorry that I hurt you. Will you forgive me?”

Not forgiving and holding a grudge will hurt both you and your spouse. Grant forgiveness with humility and admit where you were wrong (if you were).

My wonderful wife, Sandy, and I still have occasional disagreements, but we are learning to handle them better. It is much nicer to wake up each morning without any residual rancor from the previous night’s spat. We just had to learn to fight fair .

About the Writer: Richard Atwood is director of missionary assistance for the Home Missions Department. Read more about Free Will Baptist Home Missions at www.homemissions.net.