intersect, where the bible meets life

The Letter I Didn't Send

Several letters are floating around in my mind—letters I never wrote or sent. This one was intended for our younger son Seth before his marriage to Eleni. I guess I’m sending it now. You’re welcome to read over his shoulder...

Dear Seth,

As the two of you get ready to join your lives, I wanted to share my heart with you about some things I’ve learned that will help make your marriage better. I haven’t succeeded in all of these, maybe not in most. But they’re worth shooting for.

Be Eleni’s best friend. And I don’t mean that as a trite, “well, of course” kind of truism. Keep befriending her every day. Be interested in everything about her; but more, be indispensable to her. Be her confidante, her secret-keeper, her man. Notice at least one little anxiety she expresses each day, and be sure she goes to sleep less worried about it than she was throughout the day.

Don’t try to change her to suit who you are or who you want her to be. I promise you she won’t fit your mold or anyone else’s. Let her be herself, and you’ll love her even more because you’ll love someone unique. Help her to grow spiritually. Let Christ transform her into His image, not yours or some ideal wife others may visualize. Accept her faults. She accepts yours. Then compensate for each other and don’t even bring them up if at all possible.

Never criticize or embarrass her in front of other people. Protect her feelings and her reputation. Brag on Eleni—often.

Be the one she turns to when her emotions are frayed. You must be her super-hero.

Do things together, especially when you leave the comfort zone of family and friends. Pray together. Read the Bible together. Date her . . . again. Sure, you’ll need time for yourself—but not at the expense of her security.

Watch your spending habits. Chances are, for these first few years, you won’t have much extra to spend. But during these lean years, establish healthy patterns with your money that will pay off as your finances grow and become more stable. Give to the Lord “as He prospers you.” Be careful of debt. Avoid it all you can. Life isn’t about “things,” anyway. You know that. Keep it in mind.

Welcome the yokes of life that keep you tethered to responsibility. They help you grow and keep your life centered.

I know the consensus often is, “Don’t get too low when things are bad or too high when things are good.” And I suppose there is truth in that; at least Ecclesiastes suggests that to me. But do celebrate God’s goodness in your lives. Don’t hesitate to cry together, either. Seth, you love Ecclesiastes. Check out 7:14 on that.

I do think there’s value in the “love languages.” Read Gary Chapman’s book. Find out how Eleni receives love. Recognize her “language” whether it’s physical touch, affirming words, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of kindness, or a combination of those. Then speak that language to her as much as you can. Be fluent in her dialect.

Forgive her without being asked. When there are hurts, let them go. Practice the Golden Rule. Don’t hold grudges. Remember you are forgiven so you may forgive.

Notice little things: when she gets her hair cut and what she wears. Buy “touch up” gifts for her taste in home décor and talk about them. Mention the new shoes she’s wearing, and if she asks you if they look good, the answer is always, “Yes!” Little kindnesses have a long reach.

Take pictures in your mind of everyday details. Cherish them. Open that file in your mind often. Each day will not be a great day; but you have each other, and that makes it a good day. One day you will be glad for those memories.

Guard your heart to keep out threats to your love for Eleni. Be kind to your female friends, but let it stop with kindness and friendship. You have first prize in Eleni! There isn’t a second or third or fourth.

Pray daily for cleansing. I heard a rabbi say once that we should repent the day before we die. How do we know when that is, someone asked. We don’t, he replied, so repent every day.

Work hard, rest well, love passionately. Love each other with a pure heart fervently,
the Apostle Paul says. Love Jesus without apology.

You belong to each other. You complement each other. You sharpen each other. So enjoy each other.

Much love, Dad

Intersect: Where the Bible Meets Life is a regular column written by Dr. Garnett Reid, a member of the Bible faculty at Welch College. Visit his blog: www.garnettreid.com.