As Christians, we are called to help others (Galatians 6, Matthew 25, 1 John 3, etc.). But, in helping others, we all need to ask ourselves: is our help really helping the person? Is it potentially hurting? What help does God want me to provide this person in this situation?
If you’ve ever tried to help an addict, you may have come across the concept of enabling. Enabling has many different definitions, but I believe it can be boiled down to the concept of helping versus harming.
I have an addict in my family. When we finally got her in to see a doctor, he informed the family, “Your help is not helping her. What you’ve been doing is making her problem worse. You need to help her in a different way.”
We were shocked to hear our effort to help was causing harm.
Unhelpful Helpers
As Christians, we can learn from the examples in Scripture where help was not very helpful. Perhaps no better example exists than the “comforters” in the book of Job.
In chapter 2, we read of the arrival of Job’s friends, and, from chapters 4–32, we find a series of speeches between Job and his three friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. These men were convinced Job had committed some terrible sin against God that had brought such suffering upon himself.
As humans, we are prone to sin, which means our thinking is prone to corruption. One faulty way of thinking is belief in the just world fallacy. It’s exactly like it sounds: we believe the world is just, a system of cause and effect, crime and punishment, virtue and rewards.
Unfortunately, this is not how the world really works. In the real (and sinful) world, harm comes to good people, and evil acts are sometimes rewarded. Belief in a just world eventually lends itself to things like superstition, notions of karma, and blaming the victim. This was exactly the type of faulty thinking to which Job’s friends fell prey in their speeches.
They essentially told Job: if people experience a blessing, it must be a reward for their goodness. If they experience suffering, it must be punishment for their sin. To them, clearly, Job had offended God in some way, and he was being punished.
However, God didn’t allow Job’s testing and trials because Job had sinned, but because he was just and upright. Therefore, it was wrong to call his suffering the judgment of God. Certainly, we find examples in Scripture where individuals suffered in direct correlation to their disobedience to God.
However, we must resist the tendency to assume people’s sufferings are deserved. Even when such assumptions are justified, Christ showed us this should not prevent loving, caring for, and helping them.
How many hurting people have been harmed by this just world fallacy? How many times have we fallen prey to this type of thinking ourselves? If we are to comfort others, we must watch what we say and remind ourselves of James 3:8: “But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” and Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
The Right Kind of Help
We eventually find those words aptly spoken in the book of Job. A mysterious third party appears, and Elihu addressed Job’s lament. Job claimed God had been silent through all his lament and grief. In response, Elihu pointed out God speaks to us, but we often aren’t listening, or perhaps we aren’t aware of it. Sometimes, God speaks through our own conscience, but He also speaks through our pain. Elihu also described a merciful mediator who ransoms us from the pit. In other words, God communicates to us especially in our suffering, and He wants to save us.
Elihu explained to Job in chapter 36 that when righteous people like Job are afflicted, God desires to restore them. God speaks to us through our suffering. Elihu concluded: “If they obey and serve him, they shall spend their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures” (verse 11). Later, Job’s story ends with even greater happiness and flourishing than the torment and pain he had endured.
Elihu also warned Job that those who do not listen “shall perish by the sword, and they shall die without knowledge” (verse 12). What knowledge was Elihu describing? The knowledge and wisdom God teaches us through suffering.
God is trying to tell us something. Does this mean suffering is good? Should we just let others suffer? Should we not care if our helping is harming because it may lead to a better relationship with God?
Of course, we don’t want to wish harm or suffering onto someone else! Too much suffering can have the opposite effect. Elihu cautioned Job some will listen and serve God, but others will come to a terrible end. You may encounter those whose suffering was not alleviated before trauma occurred. Or, those who blame God for their suffering, and therefore want nothing to do with Him. Or those who, in efforts to cope with their suffering, have turned to alcohol or substance abuse.
Suffering can lead to sin, which is a reason we need to take the suffering of others seriously. We need to be like Elihu, who came alongside Job and was respectful but loving in his admonition.
Elihu didn’t give Job platitudes and say “Hey, everything’s going to be alright.” He focused Job’s attention away from himself and toward God: “O Job: stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God” (37:14).
One practical way you can do this for someone hurting is to ask, “Have you spoken with God about what you are going through?” or “Have you sought God’s face in this matter?” You will be surprised by how many say no. Or that their prayer sounds much like Job’s early speeches.
Offer to pray right then and there, and pray like Elihu. Offer a lamentation that focuses on God and His wondrous works. Sure, you can take her out for coffee, or you can be the safe place for him to vent. But we must point our hurting brothers and sisters to the ultimate Healer; He is the One who can truly relieve their suffering.
Asking for help when you’re hurting can be difficult. So, when someone is willing to let you in on personal suffering, honor their confidence in you. Avoid repeating their problems and failures to others or falling prone to the sin of gossip (one of the biggest reasons some Christians don’t talk about their sin and suffering). Once you get a reputation for gossip, it is very difficult to earn trust back from people in your life.
Finally, most people aren’t mean; they truly mean well. I would guess that less than 5% would intentionally respond to a heartbroken story in a hurtful way. You will notice I used the word intentionally. Your co-workers, friends, family members, and even your spouse may say something that will hurt you when you are in a difficult time. Why? They don’t mean to. They are fallen just like the rest of us and do not always see things the way we see them. Also, most people aren’t trained in how to handle suffering or grief. It makes them uncomfortable, and they say the wrong things. Even with years of training, some of us still say the wrong things.
But don’t let the 5% keep you from missing out on the 95% of people who can help you, support you, and care for you. Sure, they might occasionally make a remark that hurts, but they don’t know what they are saying. They aren’t mean; they mean well.
And, together, let’s continue to strive, as the Body of Christ, to help others rather than harm.
About the Writer: Sarah Bracey is chair of the psychology program at Welch College. Learn more: www.welchcollege.edu.
