Small Talk

By Brenda Evans

I know, I know. It’s risky to give advice. Plus it’s easier to give it than to take it. Despite that, there’s Agatha Christie’s view: “Advice is certain to be ignored, but that’s no reason not to give it.” So here goes.

First, think about what advice is—or at least what it’s meant to be. Geoffrey Chaucer helps here. In Canterbury Tales, Prudence is a wise wife who advises her husband Melibee he should forego the violent revenge he is cooking up and forgive instead. A thousand lines later, Melibee finally takes Prudence’s good advice and decides forgiveness is “what best were to do.” Regarding small talk, I’m giving advice or my opinion on “what best were to do.”

Some people think small talk is pointless. Just chitchat. It is a brief verbal exchange, all right, with strangers or passing acquaintances—check-out people, museum docents, seatmates on planes or trains, people in long lines or waiting rooms, the gym, classroom, church, bookstore, a favorite restaurant. But small talk can open doors to large talk.

Small talk may not be “functional conversation” that conveys important information, but it can bridge the silent space between you and a stranger or slight acquaintance. It is pleasant talk, light and cordial. It is kind and easy-going, not controversial, confrontational, or flirtatious. It’s a Christian act.

Small talk has benefits. Almost without exception, the research I’ve done focuses on the career benefits we gain from it. Many studies claim small talk helps us get a job, for example, climb higher on the ladder, or make people like us—all benefits that reek of the I-deserve-it-because-I’m-nice attitude so rampant in our culture. In other words, do this…get that. That’s small talk as a getting device. Though I agree we must do small talk in job interviews, we don’t have to buy into a “gospel of getting” or the whole set of I-deserve attitudes as we run our Christian lives.

Even secularists describe benefits that are less self-serving and noxious. Elizabeth Bernstein cites studies by psychologist Dr. Gillian Sandstrom of the University of Essex, England, that small talk often gets us out of our own heads and removes the focus from self. Always a good thing! Small talk can boost our moods, broaden perspectives, and strengthen emotional health. It can improve our spiritual health, too.

Consider this. For Christians, small talk can be a “gospel of giving,” not a “gospel of getting.” In other words, cultivate it for others’ benefit, not our own. Pastor and author Drew Hunter says we people of God are made for friendliness, not for isolation. When we engage others, we benefit, but often they do as well. Jesus said loving and paying attention to others shows we are his disciples (John 13:35). He also called us salt and light (Matthew 5:13-14). In The Divine Conspiracy Dallas Willard said we are light to “glow” and salt “to cleanse, preserve, and flavor” the lives of others.

The unnamed author of Hebrews reminds us to be friendly and gracious to strangers (13:1-3). The Proverb writer warned about being insular, shutting out others, and being too self-absorbed (18:1).
This idea of small talk as a Christian “gospel of giving” makes me want to get better at it. So how do I engage strangers in good small talk?

The first, second, and third rules are go slow, go slow, and go slow. Another way to say that is to be gentle. I like Dr. Robert Picirilli’s translation of gentleness from Philippians 4:5—sweet reasonableness. Small talk must be pleasant, agreeable, reasonable, not pushy or aggressive.

Smile. Ask a simple question or ask for help, comment on the weather, an event, sports or hobbies, books, hometown, or church. “Take baby steps,” Elizabeth Bernstein says. Don’t goad. You’ll be able to tell whether that person wants to engage or be left alone. Honor his choice.
Here’s a scenario. You’re in a dentist’s waiting room, and you ask the woman across the room, “Is Dr. Janson your long-time dentist?” She doesn’t look up or make eye contact. She murmurs no or yes or mm-m or simply shrugs and shifts in her seat. Back off. Zip your lip. She doesn’t want to talk and doesn’t want you to talk, so don’t. But if a bit of give-and-take is established, keep it positive and polite. Don’t go negative or political or controversial. Don’t complain. Don’t flatter.

Why go slow? Part of it is simple decorum or courtesy. If a person wants to avoid you, let him. It’s never a good idea to push yourself on people, whatever the setting. In-your-face is not only bad manners, it’s bad behavior. Our mothers should have taught us better. If they didn’t, the Bible does.

Remember Paul’s words in I Corinthians 13: “Love is kind…does not parade itself…does not behave rudely” (13:4-5). And there’s Peter, who said, “the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…is very precious in the sight of God” (3:4). James reminded us twice that the conduct of a “wise and understanding” Christian is not “self-seeking” (3:13-16). Pushiness is self-seeking, self-gratifying.

Another reason to go slow is cultural. Not all people are chinwaggers. In a recent The Wall Street Journal article, Alistair MacDonald wrote that Helsinki, Finland, seems “chitchat deficit” to him because “small talk does not come naturally” to many Finns. Not all are silent types, but many are. So are some people we meet.

The point is, stateside or abroad, in our small community or a large city, many of us don’t come from a house full of talkers, huggers, hand-shakers, back-slappers, and chatty Joes and Janes. Just because I want to chat with a passing acquaintance doesn’t mean he wants to chat with me. I need to recognize and respect that.

Jill Briscoe makes a similar point when she urges Christians to become good at making allowances for people. “Forbearance is a divine quality,” she says, a quality that suggests restraint, holding back. Sometimes forbearance means holding back words, a grace the Apostle Paul often commended in his letters.

If used wisely, “phatic communication,” as Bronislaw Malinowski first called small talk back in 1923, is a skill we Christians can exercise to bridge distances, sharpen our listening skills, better understand others, and open opportunities to share our faith.

I never considered Jesus’ conversation at the Samaritan well as an example of small talk until I recently revisited John 4. Now I think it is. How? Jesus spoke in private. Small talk usually is private. He asked a simple thing of the woman: water. She was taken aback but asked a question in return, even chided him a bit. She was willing and ready to talk. The give-and-take grew. He offered special water of life. She asked for it and left to bring others. You know the rest of the story.

Small talk seeks the good of others, as Jesus did. At the well, He asked for water to bridge a gap. The woman asked her own questions. A salvific conversation followed. Sometimes small talk leads to large talk about our faith, our Lord. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Our part is to do “what best were to do” and leave the other part to God.

About the Writer: Brenda Evans lives and writes in Ashland, Kentucky. Contact her at beejayevans@windstream.net.