Not long after I began my first pastorate, I received a shocking phone call. A nine-year-old girl in my congregation had been accidently shot in the head by another child and was at the hospital. Of course, I hurried to the hospital and was immediately escorted to the emergency room, only to learn she had died.
The attending physician took time to carefully show me where the bullet had entered her head just above an eyebrow. He gently pulled back her hair to show me the exit wound in the crown of her head. Then, he asked me to accompany him into a private room to inform the parents.
How do you help parents in this situation? What about the extended family, the other child involved in the shooting, or for that matter, the entire congregation? The task before me seemed overwhelming. I had received no training to deal with such a situation.
Knowledge and skill are crucial, and you need both. But even more importantly, you need the guidance of the Holy Spirit. This is the work of a pastor. “The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, That I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary” (Isaiah 50:4).
A Difficult Doorway
From the perspective of someone experiencing a significant loss, the emotional turmoil can be confusing, even overwhelming. In such situations, the bereaved is highly motivated to seek help. It is likely your church members will turn to you for support in time of need, but you may also be surprised how often you hear from those outside the church who need direction and encouragement.
Though difficult, these moments present an opportunity for ministry. Don’t shy away from the challenge; proceed with confidence and in the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. Embrace the encouragement Jesus offered His disciples, “And when they bring you unto the synagogues, and unto magistrates, and powers, take ye no thought how or what thing ye shall answer, or what ye shall say” (Luke 12:11). While the immediate context of these words referred to persecution, you can be confident the same Holy Spirit who helped the Apostles will provide the words during moments when you comfort others.
A Path Through the Valley
When it comes to this difficult area of ministry, consider four simple steps:
Equip yourself before the situation arises. Whether you are a pastor or church member, resources are available to prepare you to help the grieving. First Aid for Your Emotional Hurts by Dr. Eddie Moody helps you understand the basics of the grieving process yourself, and the accompanying booklet Grief can be given to those experiencing grief.
Pray families through the immediate loss. Those enduring traumatic situations need a reminder they are not alone in their suffering. Pray for them by name and ask God to help them. Your voice itself is comforting, and your words will remind them God is still there, He cares, and He knows them by name. It is unlikely they will remember much of what you say, but they will remember you prayed.
Assess the situation. All grief is not the same. Losses range from natural death to preventable deaths such as accidental, suicidal, and homicidal. After the initial loss has passed, assess the grieving of the bereaved, consider the type of loss experienced, and then develop a plan for care. Provide resources to help them grieve in a healthy way.
Offer long-term support. Grief takes time. Walk the bereaved through the process of grief. Check on them regularly. Watch for signs of complicated grief, that is, grief that makes everyday life and responsibilities difficult. Provide a listening ear for the lonely.
In this broken world, all relationships end in death, divorce, or separation. Thankfully, as believers, we offer a message of hope, salvation, and reunion for those who place (or have placed) their faith in Christ. As we walk through the Valley of Death with the grieving, we point the way to eternal life!
About the Writer: Terry Motte pastors First FWB Church in Salem, Oregon, where he also serves as a hospice counselor. He is a certified thanatologist and board-certified pastoral counselor. Learn more about helping the hurting through First Aid Ready, which equips congregants to minister to their community.
